Back to normal

Work is finally back to normal after last weeks catch up from vacation.... but normal just means I have lots of down time. I worked hard last week to get back to normal, even though I knew that this would happen.... so I'll blog a little today & maybe start back up with returning messages & e-mails in the next couple of days. Hopefully my mental state will return to normal here soon too. I haven't had the motivation to do anything recently.... I feel like a trained zombie.

I know I haven't done anything to recap my trip to California. I've got 280+ pictures & videos that I'll sort through & put up on my site.... I swear I'll do it, someday. I've only looked through the pictures once since I've put them on my computer, & that was with Ashley when she came over last week. No thought has been given to the design of the page(s) yet.... I know it'll take a couple long evenings of working to complete. I've got the time, but not the motivation.

I've been in a weird funk lately, I had it before I left for California too but the idea of the vacation was enough to keep me up. Nothing is getting through to me now though, not even myself.... weird eh, I don't pay any attention to me. I don't feel happy or sad, I don't laugh or joke, I don't care about any of the things that matter to me. I've got no real reason to be this way, I've got health, friends, bills are paid, a car, a place to call my own, a steady & respectable job.... so, yeah.... I've convinced myself it's the lack of a females touch that I'm missing. Some might say "don't worry, in time...." or some other attempt to make me feel better, but when it's been this long without, the effects are overwhelming. It's always been a self defeating cycle, "need to lighten up so I can get a woman, but need a woman to lighten up".... but the numbness that has emerged lately is on a whole new level then before, a new depth to the self defeating downward spiral. I see nothing below, nothing over head, only blackness in every direction.... I feel myself & hear my thoughts, but that doesn't matter when it gets sucked into the nothing. The temporary solutions that I've envisioned that would get me back on track are becoming less & less of a viable option.... what's next? Hope? Is hope all that I can cling to, the hope that I have to create in the absence of all else? It won't be enough.... will anything be enough?