Today.... & everyday

After lunch, while I was flossing, my new tooth cap came off.... it was put on last week, wasn't it supposed to be permanent? Anyways, I called, made an appointment & got it put back on this afternoon.... yeah, that's about all that has happened today that was out of the ordinary.

What is there to talk about when this day is no different than the previous one? My days consist of pretty much the same things; work, video games, food, sleep, shower, weed, friends, & cats... BUT, they are repeatedly apart of my day for a reason, because it's what I enjoy. It may not be exciting from your point of view, but I could say the same about yours habits or hobbies.... beauty is only in the eye of the beholder. So, what is there to talk about? The key is in the details; today I played video games & I enjoyed it.... I don't think anyone wants to hear about the details of what I did, yet it was a significant part of my day. What is the bridge between the gap of the mundane details of someones day & being able to hold a conversation with someone you talk with everyday? I don't know where I'm going with this, but you get it right? Preference, all these years I've developed preferences.... things that I need or want stays in my life. It's not what you talked about, it's that you talked.

Tonight, Heroes is on.... Kory & Matt should be coming over to watch it & play video games. I hope the series decides to get it's shit together, it keeps moving the story line ahead while leaving out vital parts.

I like having company, it motivates me to clean house. I would normally only clean once a month, except now with them coming over more often it gets dirty 3 times faster.... which is the actual motivation. I like having a clean house, for some reason it makes me feel like a part of my life is "put together", if only for a short time. Besides, people typically don't go back to places when they have to walk over empty beer cans or sit in a pile of old chips.

Today is Monday, no video games.... at least none that I won't play without Kory or Matt. Hopefully I'll be motivated to clean another portion of the house during the evening, or do something else productive. HA! We'll see about that.

Two days a week

I've made a resolution to take two days a week away from video games. I play way too much & I let too many other things slide.... basic upkeep on a life to maintain a standard of living. I can easily go home after work on any given day &
play video games until I go to bed.... do that everyday, including weekends, & the rest of life starts to suffer. As of right now I've set aside Mondays & Wednesdays. Those evenings are to be spent handling the needs of the five "L"s of life; sociaL, physicaL, financiaL, mentaL, & recreationaL.... each of which has been neglected by playing too many video games. Life takes work, & although that sucks, it's very rewarding. This is apart of my ongoing attempt to better myself, none of us are perfect & although we know that, we don't have to accept it. All in all, this should promote a better life in general. Too much of a good thing can be bad, & unless it's watched over & carefully controlled it can become all consuming. There is more to life than video games, I think.... I guess that's what I plan to find out.

I will have a smile

I have had a temporary tooth cap on one of my front teeth for about 2 weeks now, but it came off on Saturday.... I was hesitating to call in to see if they could do anything about it because 1)it stays in by itself pretty well 2) I have a appointment scheduled for Friday for setting the permanent cap. Well, after being bored at work this morning & fiddling with it too much I decided to just call & see if they could do anything, like reapply the glue, to last me until Friday.... they actually have a opening tomorrow morning @ 11:40. So after tomorrow, I'll have a permanent complete smile again.... it's been way too long. Maybe I should just get them all capped, sure, it would cost a pretty penny (of which I don't have), but the idea of having to get a new cavity filled every 6 months for the rest of my life isn't too appealing. It would be nice to have almost maintenance free teeth.... maybe I'd get them capped in gold too. Yeah, that would be a nice touch.... what's the lotto up to again? ....230 mil? I think that would cover it.

Edit: I went home for lunch & ate a sandwich.... the temporary cap came off & I crunched it. I'm lucky it didn't damage any of my other teeth, but it split the temp in half. I knew I should of taken it out to eat.... but then it would of wanted a movie & then go back to my place, & I'm just not sure that's what I want. When I got back to work I super glued it back together, but now it doesn't fit just right.... I can't go a moment without tonguing it. It comes out pretty easily now, unless I jam it in there to a point where it's uncomfortable.... I wouldn't mind it so much if I didn't have to deal face to face with customers this afternoon & tomorrow morning. I've thought about super gluing it in place, but I'm afraid of not being able to get it off tomorrow, getting it glued in the wrong position or it coming unglued at an inopportune moment. sigh... why can't I just let things like this go so I'm not obsessing over them? I'd only have to go without it for 24hours, 8 (or so) of which I'll be asleep.

this country runs on caffeine

So I had been depressed this week, starting Monday evening I think. I didn't have the energy, desire or motivation to do anything..... although this week was just like any other, I felt numb. When friends came over to play video games, a normally jubilant time, I was angry & frustrated & it inadvertently got directed towards them. I kept wondering why I was sooo tired & bitter.... my answer, caffeine, I hadn't had enough caffeine. I have been trying to cut back on it since last weeks dental appointment. My teeth have decalcified spots, cavities, & discoloration..... all of which have gotten worse since I started drinking sugar based drinks daily. So whenever I felt like drinking some, I thought of my teeth & held back. I normally would drink two 16oz energy drinks in a day, this week I had cut back to less than 1 per day. I take one full one to work at the beginning of the day & I would normally drink it by the end of the day, but this week I could come home with a half or less drank can.... I would put the can into the refrigerator thinking I'll drink more of it that night. It actually resulted in me having open unfinished cans sitting around....that's when it dawned on me the connection between my lack of caffeine & depression. Thursday I finished one can throughout the day, MUCH happier now! ug, how depressing, I require a chemical to be happy.... oh well, Monster anyone?

random thoughts from a random life

So I haven't talked to the the girl I have met on-line & that lives in ames for a couple days now. Although it started out great, where we chatted exclusively for several hours on-line quite a few times in the first week, with each week the communication gets less & less. I find this happens with all Internet friendships I have had, be it with a female or male. A lot of im'n that slowly dwindles to just a few "you there?" messages that I leave unanswered if I don't feel like stopping what I was doing. If I were to respond to all those over the years, I'd never get off the im'ng part of the computer.... each night would consist of no gaming & only im'ing. Although I don't see much wrong with that, it's not my favorite thing to do..... in light of the fact that relationships take work, I should take the time do it, if not for me, then for the person on the other end.

The Internet if full of unchecked attitudes that encourage bad social habits, although I wish I wasn't one of them, I am. I should write back to people that e-mail me, I should respond to people when they Im me, but I haven't been. Sure, there are people that I just don't want to talk to, rational or irrational I just don't want them to be apart of my life... but why & how did I make this decision? This irrational attitude is often directed towards females, as I look for a mate I weed out those that don't fit the bill. Until I find that special someone, I have no desire to even have a friendship with a girl, for fear of someone leading someone else on... which, imo, is probably the worst thing you can do to someone. But there lies the catch, I search rabidly for a mate on-line, yet I let the connection dwindle for one irrational thought or another. I need to find out if it would of worked, there have been soo many that I've let slip through my fingers.... text is a very funny thing (not haha funny, but quirky funny). I've misread or misinterpreted something that left me with an uneasy feeling, which leads to the inevitable severing of the connection. Why do I allow myself to let it go? I know that texting is not the most effective form of communication (imo it's at least better than phones, where I couldn't hold a conversation to save my life) & it often leads to one party being confused, upset & frustrated. The main goal of it all is to met the person irl & ultimately see if we are compatible.... why do I let myself get consumed by the unbackable feelings of uncompatibility when I know full well that unless I take it to meeting irl I won't know our true compatibility.

Ok, that said, I have met this girl a couple times irl.... although I'm not very attracted to her physically, when we chatted on-line for such a length of time (something I haven't done & enjoyed so much in a long time) I saw so much that I liked about her. But she is falling into the dark as like so many have before her, is she the one that I want to turn things around on? I think she would expect more from our relationship than I hope for at this point & that keeps me quite reserved as I don't want things to progress faster than they should in view of the long term.

I think I've come to the point in my life where I could really have a friendship with someone before dating them. In fact, it's exactly what I want... sure I want more NOW, but I know the foundations of any good relationship couldn't stand if the friendship was established first. The biggest problem is time, I do want it now, but I also want it later.... I'm afraid of not pursuing the fast track because of the thought that it may not last long & I need to get what I can while the gettings good.

drained

I don't know why, buy today I am totally emotionally drained of all feelings of well being.... all that is left is pettiness, irritation, anger, frustration & confusion. The day went normally.... work was work, although it was a full day of tasks it was nothing out of the ordinary. I got home, smoked a little, watched some videos & was settling in for a night at home when kory & matt showed up..... of course DOTA was on the mind.

DOTA has caused more frustration than enjoyment. I started playing this game a couple months ago with a very optimistic attitude. Jordan, Kory, Matt & I were all very good at the older, simpler version, which had gotten tiring & repetitive..... although we were yearning for a better & bigger game, we wanted a game we could still win. This game certainly made it bigger & better, but coming with the background of the previous version, we were cursed to go through a wicked learning curve that tears us from our old ways.... one that we are still going through. Many of the games we play leave us wishing that they would of at least of used lube.... although the games we do win give us a boost of confidence & pride of a win, it does not out weigh the gutting feeling of a utter loss. & to top it all off, some of us, matt in particular, can't seem to rise to the level that is needed in order to succeed.... I don't know why tonight I felt so annoyed with him.

Now don't get me wrong, matt has become a welcome member of my group of friends & many of the things that have annoyed me are not any different than faults I have myself. But recently his boisterous attitude, which only gets reinforced by kory's enthusiastic demeanor, has become unbearable.... for fuck sake, didn't his mother ever teach him to use an indoor voice? You don't need to let the neighbors know when you've died in game! The person at the other end of the game over the Internet can't here you call him names no matter how loud you yell!! & don't even get me started about in game.... how about NOT dieing for once! That "first blood" death streak of yours was not cool! How about, pay attention to the fucking game, "OH SHIT, WHY DID MY CHARACTER RUN OVER THERE?" does not solve the fact that you weren't fucking watching & that you don't know how properly manage the simplest of controls. YES, I know what the other hero can do, I don't need you to be telling me that in 10 levels he'll be running faster than anyone..... especially when I need to tell kory something. No, the last 2 liter of cola did not help your game play, the next one probably won't either.... caffeine is not a substitute for stupidity. But most of all, "I'm Sorry" doesn't mean anything when you do it again!

Now, see? Should I be saying that? NO! I do a lot of that shit too.... & I do other things that are just as annoying.... & so does kory, & jordan, & brent.... everyone does it! Friendship to me means taking the good with the bad, & that the emotional benefit of a friend outweighs any mental or physical burden that the friendship may cause. I thank God for the friends I do have, I'm a horrible friend, I don't follow up on things I say I'll do, I don't go out of my way to do things that will benefit them unless they specifically ask. They accept me for me as I do for them. They are my friends, somehow they mean something to me, there is no logic to it.... & there is no logic as to why I can't stand that fucking matt.

Why am I so drained of the emotions I call Patience, understanding, good will, thoughtfulness, & motivation? Where has the passion for peace gone?

again with the blogging

I haven't blogged in over a year, but a few of my newer friends have a blog that they post to & I saw it used as an good way to express ones inner thoughts & feelings. I've been having a lot of things run through my head recently that I feel I should write out, in an effort to bring new light to clouded subjects.... & since there is a slim chance anyone I know will read this, it frees me to write without boarders. Although I would welcome any comments, I do not expect any.

Warning: Subjects that I discuss here may offend, confuse, anger, shock, disturb, or creep you the fuck out.... I take no responsibility for any of the feelings you may experience, get over it.

I've been torn lately on the women front. Although my desire for a woman's presence in my life is great, it's been a very long time since I've been with one that really sparked a fire in me & I've grown painfully numb to living without said woman. It creates a downward spiral who's spin is breakable only by a unforeseen & unpredictable event, none that I know where or how to look for.

There is a huge fear factor of rejection of me for my interests, which when combined with several other aspects of one's life it can create a solid individual with an interesting personality.... but unto themselves, lacking of substantial investmental possibilities, form a half shelled life. Void of a possibility of a understanding interest. The idea of finding someone that is acceptable of my lesser qualities & habits is mirrored by the thought of finding someone much like myself. Which makes me realize the unhealthy things in my life & the reality of placing such burdens unto someone else.

What was there before? What calmed the jagged seas of unrest & let us forget of the burdens of daily life? Although nothing could ever fully sand out all of life splinters, people, settled me most. Friends, & more importantly family, helped me shed many of the fears, demons, & doubts of life that existed. Seeing someone everyday, living with their quarks & oddities, their daily routine coexisting with mine, seemed to break the cycle of weighted thoughts.... if only for awhile. The thought that I've lived alone for so many years comes to mind often, when I look at my life. The debilitating social habits that forms denies me of the initiative changes that must take place to destruct the debilitating social habits that denies me of the initiative changes that must take place to destruct the the debilitating social habits..... maybe I NEED TO GET LAID. Then I might be able to think about it with a clearer mind.