Getting Rewired

Well, I'm doing better today, my spirits are much higher.... hehe, no pun intended. Last night was what did it I think.... while I was hanging with Ashley, J & Kristine it all kinda just melted away. Being with the right friends & enjoying the company of each other was what I needed evidently. Thanks folks!

A couple of the bigger parts of this depression was the loneliness that I was feeling & the lack of motivation to seek out others to combat the loneliness. Hanging with the guys just seemed to get my mind off of it for awhile, but it didn't really help in permanently resolving my situation. There is a part of me that can't come out when I'm with the boys, & as of recent it's been coming out more & more due to that my friend base is expanding to include females.... because it's girls that bring that part of me out. When I'm with the guys & that part doesn't come out, it feels like I'm denying a part of myself.... forcing it to stay confined within me, slowly killing it like before. Hanging with a couple of girls last night seemed to do the trick!

I've actually been putting off getting over the depression the last couple of days. Yes, it was still there to an extent, but getting over it was just a matter of changing my mind set.... which I didn't have the motivation to do. Most of my depressions are caused by something, although there wasn't really anything there bringing me down the last couple of days, there wasn't anything there bringing me up either. I know that there are times & events to look forward to in the near future, such as going to California for my brothers wedding, but I've stuck on focusing on the "Now". I also I love to hate myself!

I am me & no matter what.... what I perceived you to do to me was what I let you do. It is still the case & it's all depends on what mindset I use to look at our relationship.... I don't care what role I thought you played in my life, it will be ever changing, but I still want you in it.

There is still a small lingering depression sitting there in the back of my mind, but it's of the sort that can only be reversed by a woman's physical touch.... I've lived well enough before with it there, so it's basically means things are back to normal. It's something that I'm looking for more intently now though, as with the reemergence of my feminine side coming back I really want to share all of that part of me with someone. It hurts me not to be able to do so....

I also know what has brought my spirits back up, I've been smoking again. It provides such a stable & calming effect, for as long as 30 hours I can still feel it's touch. Feelings that I've been able to control because of it started to resurface.... I had forgotten about those feelings. The uneasiness, always being uncomfortable... everything just feels wrong. All my input signals were getting crossed again.... like they were so long ago. I don't get a gut feeling, I get a arm feeling.... but when I'm sober, they are always wrong! Have you heard of my super awkward, angry & disturbed teenage years? ....crossed wires. Whenever I thought I finally figured it out, my mind would cross the signals again & I'd be wrong. There was no winning against it, yet I couldn't ignore it because it would be ignoring apart of myself. I can feel it all falling back into place again, all the wires going where they should.... I can feel what you feel, I can read your body to tell me what you are thinking, I can know you without hearing you say a word. Because I smoke.

In other news, I've been quite randy the last 6 days.... triple the drive I've had for a long time. It just seems to be more sensitive lately, it gets out of control with no prompting at all. I feel like I'm in high school again, sitting at my desk during class hoping that no one will notice the unwarranted excitement.... trying to ignore it yet wanting to satisfy it. I've put it to the best use I can at this point, but I know what it really wants.... sigh....

blah

Today is blah, blah as in I feel nothing.... I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, not angry or calm, just blah. Every thought through my head I give up on half way through & every action I take is half assed. I want to go to bed & not get up for days, I want to be asleep for that slim chance that I might dream something better then this.... even if I don't remember it. I feel like having a conversation, but I don't want to talk.... I want to be around friends & loved ones, but I want to be left alone. I don't like answering the phone to find no one on the other end, but it's better then having to talk another stupid customer. I can see nothing before me, even though I know it's there. These locked chains weigh me down, yet I do nothing with the key I hold.... I feel the weight of them, at least I feel something. I'm thirsty yet no liquid will quench, I'm hungry but nothing tastes good. I get up because time goes on as each step is followed by another, but where it is going is unseen. My existence continues on no matter where I am, so why do I care that I'm still here? Without trying I've felt happy, without trying I'm not.... will I feel happy again if I don't try (again)? My thoughts bring me down, my thoughts can pick me up..... My heart is weighed down, but it is free.... My soul cries at this. I need a loving embrace, I need to fall asleep in [your] arms.... I think I can rest there, peacefully & with a smile. I want to see [you] when I wake, I want to be with you without having to move. I want to hear [your] voice without having to listen, I want to talk without saying a word.

I'm being very selfish, but I don't care.

Shopping with Ashley

Dale (my brother) is getting married next month & I have the honor to be one of the twelve (yes twelve) groomsmen. The wedding is a garden wedding a kin to a Great Gatsby's party with a little bit of relaxed beach vibe thrown in. Everyone will be wearing white in that tradition, that is except the groomsmen.... we get to wear chocolate brown shirts & Relaxed Dawson pants in the color Stone from Banana Republic, alone with flip-flops. So I had do a little shopping this week & I asked Ashley to tag along.... she quickly jumped at the opportunity to go.

I had to go all the way to the Jordan Creek Town Center mall in West Des Moines, a 35 min drive, to find the closest Banana Republic.... a trip much more enjoyable with a friend. We left a little after 6 & got there a little after 6:30. The JCTC mall is two stories, with one main corridor & a few short branches.... I am impressed at the quality & maintenance of the place. I've only been there once before so I had no idea where Banana Republic was.... but following my mall instincts, I found it shortly.

We were greeted by a young & attractive girl who was busy folding cloths (gee imagine that, a mall retail clothing store employee being young & hot, haha). She lead us directly to the pants I was looking for. I was impressed with the selection of sizes that Banana Republic had, as their pant sizes were available in odd sizes as well as even.... unfortunately that brings home the reality that I am no longer a size 34, but now a 35. They 35's fit well enough so that was that... I had found the first of two items I was looking for. Ashely couldn't resist picking something up too, a nice little black & white horizontally striped top.

So we moved on, casually walking around the mall while I kept my eyes open for places that might have a brown shirt. We passed by Yonkers, one of the anchor stores at one end, & headed up to the second floor. Ashley just had to stop at Yankee candle, thinking she really wanted to buy a candle.

Before I even got to the door I was already repulsed by the smell coming from within. I like candles, I burn them every day.... but something about the Yankee candles have always turned me off. To this day I've only found one candle from them that I liked.... & I forget what that one was. We wandered around inside for a few moments, attempting to find any good scented candles.... there was only one could I stand. Ashely ended up not buying one & I don't blame her.

As we passed by several carts in the middle of the corridor, Ashely was drawn to one that sold some hair bands & (in my opinion) awful ugly fake jewelry. She found a hair band that she really liked, but there was no merchant around.... we waited for a couple of min looking around wondering who was supposed to help us. I saw a couple of guys sorting the other carts, but neither even looked at us... I don't know if one guy was supposed to man several carts, but either way, they lost a sale. Ashely just rested the band on top of some other merchandise & we walked away.

Ashely asked if there was anything else that I needed to get, I assumed that she knew about the shirt too, as I had let her read the specifications of what I was looking for. No big deal, now we both were keeping our eyes peeled for a place that might sell brown shirts.

We continued down the main strip of the mall on the upper deck, stopping at every store that had button down men's shirts.... the gap, American eagle, Dillon's & a few stores I had never heard of. No luck. We got a little help from the nice employees in Dillon's with a recommendation to try Yonkers.... great, that was at the other end of the mall, lol.

I was a bit concerned for the suit fitter at Dillon's that helped us though, he had a lazy eye.... how can you fit someone for a suit if you don't have the proper eyesight? haha, just an observation.

So we headed down stairs & back towards the other end of the mall... again, stopping at any store we thought might have it & window shopping along the way. I made a comment when we passed by pottery barn that those are the places I need to stay out of because they are full of little nicknack's for home decor & that I often make impulse buys in places like that... which are often accompanied by buyers remorse. Ashely noted that she liked a pair of metallic humming birds sitting in the display window.

I don't like buying that kind of stuff for myself, to me it's an empty object with no meaning to me.... just about everything in my place has got a story behind it, it's what makes it special to me. Ashley & I had a conversation about that.... she said that she wasn't a good decorator, but I've been to her place. It has meaning, she didn't sit down one day & plan out the room.... just as she lived there the things that were a part of her life got placed around, falling into their natural place. A house or apartment like that has got more character than a designed room.... it feels more like a home, because it's been lived in.

We enter Yonkers & Ashely notices her favorite perfume sitting on a display stand, so we stop shortly to look at the display.... a floor sales woman quickly darted over to us to try & "help" us, but since Ashely already had a small bottle of it (she actually had on her) no sale for the lady. NO COMMISION SALE FOR YOU! lol We navigated further into the store, wondering where the hell the men's section was.... both Yonkers & Dillon's are big enough that unless you know the store, it's a hard time to find anything.... I felt like child that had lost his mommy. We eventually found the dress shirt section, lo and behold they had a chocolate long sleeve button down chino type shirt. Success!

I haven't bought a dress shirt in a long time, so I had no idea what size I was.... they had the typical XL, L, & M sizes, but also neck & chest size. I know from experience that a tight necked shirt is very uncomfortable, but the mix of chest size to neck size to over all size made it very hard to determine what to get. Of course I tried on a couple of them, but I felt weird about it. These shirts were the kind wrapped in plastic, with half a dozen pins & multiple pieces of cardboard & plastic.... what a bunch of work I created for someone for no purpose at all. oh well, I guess it's not my problem, I got the shirt & pants I needed!

As we are walking away from Yonkers, we had to pass by the Pottery barn again.... I couldn't resist, I made us go in. There are a couple of items for my house I've been searching for & I am really picky about them.... since I don't get down there to shop very often, I took advantage of the opportunity to browse in an attempt to find them. Of course they didn't have either of what I was looking for, but Ashley couldn't resist the hummingbirds.... she ended up buying the shorter of the two. She now sounds very happy about her purchase, they are quite adorable.

With both of us satisfied with our purchases, we headed out.... but on the way to the outer doors Ashely was going to stop to get a soda out of the machines next to the exit. I knew she hadn't eaten supper yet, because I asked.... & seeing how it was almost 8:30 I knew she had to be hungry. I asked if she would rather go up to the food court, reassuring her that I had no where to be so there was no rush to leave just yet.... she determined that would be better than pop, so back upstairs we went. We passed by the merchant cart with the hair bands again & I still saw no one around!

She grabbed a bite to eat at Chic A-fil, (I think that is how you spell it). She said that the last time she ate there they had the best chicken strips.... it turned out it wasn't the case this time around & she vowed never to eat them again, lol. & while waiting for her to grab something, I was looking for somewhere to get a snack too.... she asked if I wanted anything & I was in the mood for ice cream. They only had IceDream, but I ordered one up.... Ashley was very nice & bought it for me. Thx Ashley, it was only good because it was free (yeah, it wasn't tasty at all). We sat down & *enjoyed* our little snack together, then we headed out once again.... this time actually making out the door.

The ride home was as enjoyable as the rest of the evening. All in all I had a great time & I learned a lot about my new friend Ashley.... there was never a dull moment. I'm glad to of made such a friend & I hope we'll be able to do it again sometime.

St. Patrick's Day Weekend

Tiffany got here around 5:30 on Friday, which was earlier than expected.... we said our hellos, hugged a short & rushed hug & then brought her stuff in.

She went way out of her way to put together a present for me, so I opened that right away. It came with a funny card, perfect for a stoner like myself.... it listed the top 10 ways to tell if your stoned, it was good for a laugh. It was funny on how many I could relate with.... even when sober. The top item in the present was a blue rose from Hobby lobby. It was trinketed with three little silver metal plates which stated my love for cats.... very fitting too. The main item of the present was a very soft little polar bear. It had bean bag feet & butt, with glasses that looked remarkably like mine, a little wooden pipe, & a necklace with the Letters B & R on either side of a small red & yellow glass heart. The bear now sits with his glasses & pipe on top of Blazing Blue's monitor.

We were both hungry by that point, as neither of us had eaten anything since lunch.... so after a short discussion about what we wanted to eat, I decided to take us to Okaboji Grill.

We needed to take a inventory of what I had in my kitchen so we could go shopping for food for the weekend... specifically for breakfast on Saturday. After realizing that we needed just about everything, we headed out to Hyvee. Shopping is one thing I really enjoy doing with people, there are so many conversation starters in stores that one can really get to know another. We wondered around the store for what seemed like an hour, we shouldn't of picked up the ice cream first, hehe. I wasn't really looking for anything when we first started walking around... & neither was she. That was funny.... so we spent the first 15 min just wondering, enjoying the company of the other.... at least that's the way I saw it.

We hadn't decided exactly what we wanted for breakfast, or I should say I didn't know.... she insisted on making what I wanted. Even though I wanted waffles, they were not an option, as I have no waffle iron.... me thinks I'll ask for one for Christmas. Yes, I could of gone & bought one, but I have a strong impulse buy killer. We settled on chocolate chip pancakes, onion & ham omelets, bacon, hash browns, fruit & milk.... plus snack food for the rest of the weekend, such as Swiss rolls, chips & salsa, & Dr. Pepper. We must of gone from one end of the store to the other 3 times, having to back track to areas we had already been for things we had just thought of. We got a good laugh out of it... I always feel like security is watching us from up above & wondering "wth are these crazy people doing, they were just there, twice!" Once we felt we finally had everything we needed, we loaded up the car & headed back to my place for the evening.

We unloaded the car, in my favorite & fun way, all the bags in one hand.... although she had to carry the milk. It was still light outside when we got home, but that didn't matter since we were going to be inside the rest of the night.

I don't remember exactly what we did when we got back & put all the food away.... the night just blended together in a mass of movies, pictures & music.
I checked out her computer for a few min, until I determined that I wasn't able to get it on-line.... which is unfortunate, as there were quite a few things that I knew she could of used & gotten through my high speed connection.
We watched A life Less Ordinary, with Cameron Diaz & Ewan Mcgregor.... but we watched it so late we didn't have much of a chance to talk about it because we were falling asleep, at least I was.
Robin Hood Men in Tights, which is a goofy film we had both seen, so we looked at pictures while we watched... so many faces & names, I couldn't absorb half of them.
I showed her a little bit of the game I play the most, BF2142.... it kind of overwhelmed her. I don't blame her, it took me more then 2 months to get comfortable with the game where I could interpret all the information on the screen effectively.... but it at least showed her how much concentration it takes to play & why I can't type or talk while doing so.
I showed her most of the pictures I had on my computer, pictures of friends & family, places I had gone & attempts at artistic or scenic photos. I've taken many pictures through the years, but they were quickly scrolled through.
We stayed up until a little after 6am, both of us almost falling asleep on the couch. We said good night & slept soundly.

I woke up shortly after 12, half expecting her to come in & wake me.... but instead I just wandered into the living room & took my place back on the couch. I tried to sneak into the room unnoticed, but Whisper is always insists on meowing like mad until I feed her.... stupid cat. Not 5 min had past after we were both awake & Jordan called asking if we wanted to get lunch.... I told him that he & Kory were to come over for breakfast, courtesy of myself & the cook, Tiffany.

It was a amusing event, as my stove hadn't been used in a long time... you could see & smell all the dust coming off of the burners as they got hot. The pans had to be washed off before being used too. Tiffany did a great job of cooking, although I once again realized that omelets, especially in the morning, don't sit too well with me.... all those eggs with cheese formed a brick in my stomach. It was the same for everyone though, we all had full stomachs for at least 6 hours. We never got around to making the chocolate chip pancakes, as the omelets, bacon, hash browns, fruit & milk seemed to be enough for everyone. I tried to get a picture of Tiff making breakfast, but failed at all my attempts... either it was too close, out of frame or blurry.

We didn't take nearly as many pictures as I would of liked to, & we never got to print any of them out either.... hind sight is almost always 20/20, but there was a lot of stuff we never got around to doing. We needed to of made a list!

We let our stomachs settle while watching The Last Unicorn, a movie I hadn't seen in a long time.... it was just as I remembered. I'm glad I got to see it again.... many scenes from that movie still stick out in my mind. I then took a shower & we finally got ready to go out.

Jordan was going to see a afternoon showing of 300 & Kory had a date @ 5:00 (I don't know if it was really a date or not).... since Tiffany & myself both wanted to see 300, we tagged along with Jordan for the 3:10 showing. It was a decent movie, I'd like to see it again.... mainly because I think we sat too close, my eyes were hurting by the end of the movie because I had to move them so much to see everything. I felt like I missed a lot.

We went to hobby lobby afterwards, & since Jordan didn't have anything else to do, he tagged along with us. We strolled around in there for awhile, looking at some of the things we had talked about.... although we still missed some of the things we wanted to show each other. None of us ended up getting anything, which is unusual when going to a place like that.... way to thwart those impulse buys! Chris called Tiffany on my cell while we were there though, so Jordan & I mulled around while they talked.... kind of awkward, as we were minutes away from leaving anyways.

We headed back to my place & just hung around there for awhile, wondering when the St. Patrick's day's celebrations would began. Tiffany gave us a little fashion show, letting me pick what she was going to wear & then she gave me a little input on what I should wear, which was nothing special. I ate the rest of Tiffany's steak from the day before while she got all ready.

After finding out that Kory was going to head to another party before joining us for the nights activities, Jordan, Tiffany & I went ahead on to Old Main Brewing Company around 9:30. We went into the bar side of the restaurant, only to find it completely packed! So we headed over to the restaurant side, which also had it's own bar.... we grabbed a table & got comfortable with a couple of drinks. Jordan was nice enough to start the night by buying us a round.... Tiffany sucked down her drink so quickly it stifled Jordan & I. She was already drinking her second before Jordan & I could finish our first. After her third drink, & Jordan & mine second ones, she started doing Baily's shots.... I think 8 in total for her. I don't know how many shots was in the mixed drinks I had, but I don't think Jordan or I could keep pace with her. We had a great time drinking & talking, that part of the restaurant was perfect for me.... quiet enough that you don't have to scream to talk to each other, but not so much that you could hear the people over on the next table talking. Kory & his "date", along with a friend, showed up some time after round 2 I think.... we crowded the table & kept on drinking & talking. It was a good time! I remember very little of the conversations at this point, but I know we all had a great deal of laughs & smiles.

We finally skipped out of Old Main & headed over to Whiskey river.... there we found a booth right near the front & we all sat down again. It was quite a bit louder there, but that didn't really seem to matter because we all had enough in us to keep our voices up with it. They had bud light in 16oz green alum. bottles, after I stole half of Kory's, he got me another.... & another. It went down like water.... not a good thing. That's when my memory started getting blurry, we of course kept on talking & laughing.... but I can recall very little of it.

It didn't seem long when we got up & headed over to Corner pocket, this was around 1am I think. I helped Kory in beating some people in a double pool game. & somehow I managed to get another couple of beers from somewhere. We left for Kory's house to smoke a little before heading our own ways, & I remember part of the walk to his house.... & part of hanging & talking around his table. But then the last 56oz of beer finally got to me.... I headed to the bathroom & spent the next 4 hours in front or on the toilet & with my head in the sink.

I threw up countless times, but at least I was so wasted I barely even felt it.... evidently it could be heard everywhere in the house. I feel asleep with my head in the sink & I eventually moved to the floor & finally to Kory's bed.... between the floor & the bed I slept for a few hours. Getting up around 8 because I just wanted to be at home.... if I was going to be miserable I was going to be as comfortable as possible. I found the 3 of them sleeping in the living room, where I stood for a undetermined amount of time.... when finally Tiffany said "no chocolate pancakes for you!". hehe, I knew that! I asked her if she wanted to go home with me & she jumped at the opportunity.... I thought I was done puking before we left, but that quickly changed when we got out the door. Must of been all the fresh air, or the water I just tried to drink.... but I puked a couple of times not too far from Kory's.

The walk home was cold, long & twisted.... I wanted to feel better. I wanted to go home & enjoy the company that had come to see me for the weekend. When we got home I feel into bed an exhausted mess.... throwing up several more times during the morning & sleeping horribly. I was in bed until 1, when I finally convinced myself to get out of bed & try to spend the last bit of time I could with her.... even in a messed up state. I knew I couldn't eat or drink anything because nothing would stay down, so I just sat in my chair & watched her sleep for awhile.... & when she eventually awoke I moved over onto the couch too. We sat back & watched Fire & Ice, a old cartoon movie from the 80's.... classic, I'm glad I got to watch it.

Jordan came over around 3 to hang for awhile, but I knew that she would be leaving in the next hour or so.... so I made the best of it as I could. I didn't turn on another movie, or put in something to listen to.... we just sat & talked. That's what I really wanted to do.... we chat so much on the phone, I just wanted to talk without anything in between us.... no computer screen, no phone.... just face to face. I was finally comfortable enough with her to carry on a stimulating conversation.... even in that horrible & disgusting state.

Alas she finally left, we said our goodbye & hugged once again. I laid back on the couch to tried & catch up on some sleep. Jordan stuck around awhile longer, but I was so in & out of sleep that I barely acknowledged him. He left around 6:30 I think, to go hang with Kory & Brandon at Kory's place.... I wish I could of gone with him. It sounded like a good time.... better than the one I was having. I stayed on the couch, trying to get myself to eat something without puking it back up & contemplating the weekend... it was all too short. If it wasn't for her I'm sure it would of been just another weekend.... I probably wouldn't of gone out for St. Patrick's day, I probably wouldn't of gone to see 300. Friday would of spent alone as usual. Thanks for coming & dragging me out of my hole, even if it did result in me stupidly drinking way too much & paying for it for the next 30+ hours.

That is a pretty good recap of the weekend, I know there are parts I couldn't remember, details that got lost in the haze, & thoughts & feelings I had that I will keep to myself. If any of you that were there read this & want to contribute, I'll gladly make another post with those details.

good lord that was a long post! hehe, what a productive way to spend a day at work!

Bad Movie Night, Great Success!

I stopped by Kory's house right after work last night to pick-up the shirts I had left in the dryer the night before.... I was surprised to find Kory at home. We ended up going out to eat at Thai Kitchen, even though our original destination was West Street Deli.... which was closed for maintenance. We then got desert at DQ.... I was happy with my butterscotch malt, but his Carmel shake was not up to par.

Since we were already hanging out he joined me in going over to Ashely's & J's apartment for the bad movie. & it was as bad as she said it was, it was great to watch & make fun of together. We all want to make it a frequent event.... Kory & I were already looking through movies after we got back from their place.

Ashley & J are a great couple, you can tell when they are apart that they are thinking of the other & that they feel a little lost in the absence of their loved one. I like being around such people, they are inspiring.... they make me want to get married even more. They are both good people by themselves too.... creative, polite & cultured. I need more people like that in my life.

Ctrl D Enter

I found something productive to do at work today, repeat the key stroke combination "Ctrl D Enter".

We use Pick-up Tickets that the customer signs acknowledging receipt of the product. Each pick-up ticket has a unique identifying number that is referenced on the jobs invoice in the "Ship Via" box. When entering that P.U.T. # the accounting program saves that number to a list.... over the last few years that list has grown quite considerably. Today I cleaned out that list using the "Ctrl D Enter" keystrokes.... each number had to be deleted individually. The list started at 29786 & ended at 33523. I repeated that 3 key stroke combination roughly 3737 times this afternoon.... my left pinkie is sore now.

Bad movie with friend(s)?

Last week Ashely asked if I would like to watch a bad movie. I've never seen "Bad Movie", I thought it was like one of those Scary Movie type movies. haha, turns out she meant a cheezy 80's high school romance movie called Mad Love. So, of course, I said yes. Well, after a lovely dinner with Kory, her & her husband J at Thai Kitchen, we headed over to my place to watch the bad movie.

Turns out that my DVD player is a old POS that won't play "new" movies (ie. 80's movies that have been recently released on DVD). So we rescheduled for some time this week. BUT I don't know when she asked me to watch it if she meant me & Kory. When we've hung out, Kory has always been included. When she invited me to watch it last week, she only mentioned that Kory might be busy one night & that that night would be bad for him.... so she assumed he was going to be there without asking. Although this time around she hasn't mentioned him once, she might just figure that asking me was actually asking me & Kory. I'd hate to show up alone & find out that she thought that we would both be there. Although Kory was pretty hesitant about going when I asked him if he wanted to last night, I haven't told her that he won't be there.... & I don't know if I should.

I guess I'm just a bit nervous, I'm not good at making friends that I can hang out with one on one.... normally any new friend I make will just be in the "group" & are only seen in such gatherings. Rarely do they cross the bridge to a stand alone friendship.... especially females (yes, I know.... I'm working on that).

Why can't I recognize & apply the typical friend to friend interactions? What wires do I have to uncross to open myself up to new friends? Having to care comes to mind, if I don't care, no effort to keep the friend will be given.... so that means I have to like them, not just tolerate them, like them..... I have to find them funny, interesting, challenging to my intellect, & we have to share a common interest. I have to like them so I will have a reason to continue the relationship. That's a tall order for someone that is as socially handicapped as myself.

Yes, I've had friends that I didn't meet through other friends.... had is the key word there. The likely hood of me making a friend from a stranger that will last is less than those that I make through friends. So that is another issue to be dealt with at a later date.... first things first.

Learn, through practice, how to make & keep a stand alone friendship. Trial & error, broken hearts & teary eyes.... eventually, true friendship.

The mundane details

hmm, I've haven't got much to announce.... Life has been pretty mundane as of recent, nothing has really gotten me excited. Although that is to be expected during the winter, as not much goes on, I'd like to have something to look forward to when I get home besides what's already there. Hanging with friends typically helps, but it always comes back, of course more so when I'm alone, which is often. Like last night, I was having a conversation on the phone, but I was just as lonely. It's starting to creep back into other aspects of life, parts that I've been able to drive it out of.... time will tell what is in store. Work is steady, I'm getting things done with little hassle. I've been frisky all morning though, I just try to keep my mind off of it.

The sun is out & it looks gorgeous outside, yet I'm inside.... although it is kinda muddy. It hasn't gotten hot in the office yet, but I know it will. These transitional phases from one season to another are really annoying.... it'll be 50 outside, but with the sun beating down on the office, it'll be 80 in here by noon. But we don't open windows because all the paper will curl up, faxes won't fax, printer won't print... paper jam galore. So, it'll be 60 outside & we will have the air conditioning on.

I had a dentist appointment yesterday to fill a cavity, although the appointment itself went fairly smoothly, my mouth was really hurting last night.... & it has been hurting off & on all morning. I think most of the pain is coming from where he put the Novocain in.... although he does a good job so I do not feel it going in, the after effects are wicked. The cavity was pretty deep, he said some of the nerve was exposed.... but since I hadn't had a problem with sensitivity I might be ok without a root canal. I'm hoping for the best. It cost me $330.00 yesterday, but I should get about $200.00 back from insurance.... I hate having to pay upfront though.

We had a match yesterday, it was well fought. It was on Suez Canal, a even sided map with all capturable flags.... both sides start with 100 tickets. The first round we won, 22-0, the second round we lost 0-24, but we took the last round 44-0. It's obvious we need to have a prematch scrim so we can get warmed up... or at least I do. The first round I didn't play that well, I missed easy shots & I was very unaware of my surroundings.... I barely managed to make a 1 to 1 kill to death ratio. But as time went on & the team got more fluent with playing together I improved drastically.... the third round I took the gold star (1st place of both teams) with a 24 to 8 kdr. Only one other person killed more than me, he had a 26 to 12 kdr, & he was in a tank! And that doesn't include the 20 teamwork points I received, which was twice that of anyone else. It's obvious that when I do that well, we win.... I almost single handily stopped several multiman pushes, I just had a little help from one teammate.

The clan is on a 8v8 competitive ladder, basically a king of the kill type set up.... if you challenge & beat someone, your team takes their spot on the ladder.... if you are challenged & loose, you get bumped down one spot. There are 77 clans on the ladder, although they are not all active, we now sit at the #17 spot.... so roughly about 600 people make up the ladder. After last nights match we challenged for the #12 spot.... we will be in the top 10 soon, oh yes, we will.

All for now....

ow, my head!

While I was talking on the phone last night I was getting into bed. I turned the light off, pulled back the covers & sat down.... I turned to lay down but didn't realize I was close to the head of the bed. As I laid down my head hit the wall, pretty hard. Of course I had a smile on my face after it happened, because I'm stupid like that & physical humor is funny. Although I already had a bit of a tension headache (one that stems from tight neck muscles) it wasn't that big of a deal.... until I woke up this morning. My head was POUNDING, my eyes were tired like I had been up all night & if felt like there was a clamp wrapped around my head at the temple level. The more I moved around the worse it got, dizzy, a little nauseated & really out of it. I decided to call in to work to get some more sleep, because I knew that I wouldn't be do any good if I went. Around 10 I got up & ate a little, took a shower & moseyed into work around 11. No one said a thing, hehe... my job can be good at times. My head still kinda feels weird, like my brain is swollen.... I think got a concision from the hit last night. It's a weird feeling, but I know it's there because I'm not as coherent as normal, my nerves feel like they are shot & I don't feel as coordinated as usual. I'm going to take some "medicine" when I get home, hopefully it'll help take the edge off.

PS. I started eating again last night around supper time... my body we complaining & I had to calm it. Although nothing tasted all that good, I guess my mind still wasn't ready to enjoy the taste of food. I'm strange....