Looking for clarity

So, woke up depressed.... my mind still caught on what I went to sleep thinking about. I stayed in bed longer than I should of. I wanted to go back to sleep so badly, and I didn't want to go to work.... which was & is just another boring day. I skipped my shower & just wetted down my hair to look presentable because I was short on time because I stayed in bed too long. I like when the weather matches my mood.... it's, like, poetic. cold, cloudy, snow in the forecast.... perfect. Of course I took my food with me to work like I normally do to eat during break, but I didn't bother to actually eat it. Yeah, my body was hungry, but my mind just ignored it.... skipped lunch too, I just took a nap instead (which ran long, hehe). I've only had a couple of swallows of water through the whole day so far.

I guess my mind is looking for clarity, but it's quite unusual that it decided to put me on a fast in an attempt to achieve it without letting me know. I've never fasted before, not for anything.... I never saw the point in it - I still don't. I need a fresh perspective on the situation, on why I feel what I feel & how to get past my hang-ups. Why do I have this incredible conviction to hold my tongue? I have been raised not to say anything if I don't have anything good to say & I've tried hard to live by that.

I can dream can't I? We all live in our self built bubbles.... don't pop mine & I won't destroy you. I have my feet on the ground too though.... I may dream, but I know that reality limits many of those dreams to being only dreams. Although reality is relative to how you perceive the world through your bubble, there are clear cut lines that prevent many peoples fantasies from manifesting.... often refereed to as a conscious. What would you do to make your dreams come true? Would you cross any of those lines? Even if you don't mean to?

Have you ever said "I mean that in a good way" knowing that what you said could be taken negatively? Have you ever said it about something that could change a persons life? Could you live with yourself if what you said put you or someone you care about through great troubles & tremendous heart ache? I fear I have....

Nora Jones - Come Away With Me

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

The lost path

I see now where I was lost.

There was a beginning, but it had long faded into the distance. I knew I was traveling, but I could not tell you where I was going, where I started or why I was traveling.... I only knew that I was following a path.

Believing that I was going the right way, I never took my eyes off of the road.... the road was bright & memorizing. It went in the direction I felt my heart pulling. So I immersed myself in the road, falling to it's will & following it where ever it lead.... but before long, the road began to crack, crumble & disappear before me. I continued on, thinking the road was just a little untraveled.... but I found myself wandering, no path before me. Everything seemed to turn to black around me, as if the sun had set. Even though I could still see what was below my feet, there was nothing.... it all had faded into the emptiness around me. Where did that come from, or, where did everything go? I kept moving, even though I didn't know which way to go. Surrounded by darkness, I felt my way along the ground searching for the path I desired.

Soon, depression set in as I questioned my existence there....
How did I loose it?
Did I take my eyes off of the road?
Why was I on the road?
Where was I traveling to?
Why did it seemingly disappear?
Who was I traveling for....

who.... who is there? Show yourself! Come out of the darkness, come out of the shadows in my mind! Let me see.... your.... face.

And then, all at once, it came back. The road reappeared right below my feet as if I had never left it! I could look back to see where I had begun, forward to where I was going.... I knew where I was, why I was there & who put me on that path.

Never again! I must never again forget why I am traveling.... never again focus on just what is below my feet. Never again will I dwell on the road that takes me there. Never again will I let the darkness blind me from that face. Always keep [her] in my heart & mind, so that I will always know why I travel.... why the road of passion exists.

oh bugger

So I looked at my checking account balance right before I went home for lunch today.... man was I surprised when the little numbers were in red. Automatic with drawl, every month on the 8th, I know that! Why didn't I keep a better eye on my account balance to make sure it was in there? I'M AN IDIOT. Insurance on the 25th, Geo cities on the 10th, Car payment on the 8th, whats so hard about that? DAMN IT.... curse you hobby lobby for having a sale, curse you tooth for being rotten, curse you true.com for telling me you've canceled my free trial account but still take the money out anyway, curses on you all! I'm not even overdrawn by too much, I shouldn't worry, but it sent me into a panic.... I don't want to lose my car to something so stupid, although I know they won't take it being late on just one payment, it's still nerve racking. Money is one of those strange things that will consume my every waking thought if I'm in the red.... nothing, not even her, could take my mind off of it. Even if I know there is nothing that I can do but wait, it'll eat every drop of emotional energy I have.... after a short period of time I turn into a heartless money grubbing zombie.

I'm getting paid today, but it won't get deposited until after work.... damn it.

Although I knew it was way too late to get my taxes filed & the refund deposited for today, I decided to get the information from home I needed so I could do it at work. While routing through my pile of unsorted papers I found the reimbursement check from work I thought I had lost. 1/2 way there.

Seeing how I knew I would have some down time today at work, I thought I'd also figure out why Blue Cross & Blue Shield didn't cover any of my tooth cap. In an effort to get some money coming in, even if it's too late for today. So I was looking for that statement & I notice a unopened letter from Blue Cross & Shield. It contained a refund check for some other dental work done a couple weeks ago. WOOT!!

A quick drop by the bank on the way back to work from lunch & I'm in the black again.... whew, what a roller coaster I put myself on.

Quiet on the outside, LMAO on the inside

On Wednesday I got to teach my boss how to use a computer, here is what we covered.

-How tell if it's on & how to turn it on if it is off
-What buttons on the mouse do
-How to open Internet Explorer
-Why Windows is called Windows
-The basics of a Google search - format, sorted by relevance & how to open a link
-The back button in IE
-How to add & retrieve favorites in IE
-How to close a Window
-How to turn it off

As I don't want to make my boss look like a fool, I kept my snickers to myself.... but two days later I still laugh about it.

Addendum

The purpose of my no game nights is to allow me time to focus on the important "L"s of life, as posted before. I will allow myself to play games that my friends play when they come over, which falls under the sociaL category. If I don't play with them, there is no reason for them to come to my place instead of Matt's. This is what I actually had in mind when I set up my anti-gaming Monday/Wednesday schedule, but I couldn't define it as well then.

BUT if playing games with them takes me away from something I had actually planned to do, that is e to done the very next day in place of gaming.

I had another addendum to add, but I can't think of it now....